Telling a dysregulated child to “calm down” is like telling a car with no brakes to “stop.”
During big emotions, a child’s thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) goes offline. The survival systems (amygdala, fight/flight/freeze responses) take over. Language, logic, and self‑talk—the tools adults use to calm themselves—aren’t fully available.
Children borrow our nervous system before they build their own.
Studies on co‑regulation show that when adults stay present, warm, and steady, children’s heart rate and stress chemistry settle more quickly. When adults withdraw, escalate, or shame, children stay dysregulated longer and become more reactive over time.
So the sequence is:
- Connect the nervous system. Proximity, soft voice, simple words.
- Regulate together. Breathing, holding, a quiet corner, slow movement.
- Reflect later. “What happened back there?” once everyone is calm.
Self‑regulation is the long‑term goal. Co‑regulation is the path to get there.
